Today was a bit better, I spent most of it driving around and visting several fishing shops, I would post pictures but I need to figure out CSS, (more on that later) It was nice just to get out and drive, I did not have a chance to wash my hair the night before so I left the house with my hair soaked and my male pattren baldness showing, once I drove for an hour with the windows down it curled nice. It's funny how my hair is causing me stress leading it to fall out even faster, it used to make me panic when I would wash my hair and see a lot of hair fall off in my hand. I have been using a hairloss treatment that brought the hairline back to what it was when I was 18 but its not filling in. It's not a huge deal since I can cover it with my curls and I am taller then most woman so they can't see. My hair is the only thing I really like about my body, it's the only thing I get compliments on or attention for. It's funny, I have had guns pointed at me and my life threated, had to keep a freind who got his hand stuck in a machine at work from ripping his fingures off in a panic for half an hour, no fear, just action. But my hair? Oh man thats my only fear, the fear of not being in control of a problem, if you can't control a problem you can't fix it, thats scary. Anyway's I stopped at the first shop and they had a HUGE collection but no reels outside of $200~ so I left and went to the next stop, this place had firearms and a gunsmith but the shelfs were basicly empty so I moved on to a much larger store and found a reel and several amazing guns, funny enough one was a chrome 19-4, they had a laughably priced German flare gun for $1k. I did see somthing I never have though, a Browning 2000. It is basicly a Browning Auto 5 but instead of feeding though the bottom it has a hole in the side of the gun you fed the shells into. I need to look it up, it makes no since from a manufacturing point of view to build a gun slightly diffrent then a mainline you have been making for 100 years. Like why? Being able to feed from the side while keeping your gun shouldered? Most men could not pull that off with this shotgun, its way to heavy, its action also makes it much slower to fire then other semi autos so from a compition point of view it is usless. And the side gate, oh my god, it's not even a side gate but a huge hole in the side. If anyone brought this into a field to hunt it would pull grass inside the action instantly. I would buy it though! I just want to take it appart and show it to people, its just so odd. Anyways I got my reel and drove back, got home and read about css and got sucked into Youtube reels all day. I am mad I did not get anything done so at the least I will do this. The song I posted above is my favorite, I can relate to it a lot, see people respect the idea of someone being a gunsmith but they don't put any thought into it outside of "cool" or "scary" and once someone want's somthing done they get mad about the price. No I will not refinish a gun for you for $100 asshole. Yes you can use cold blue but it will rub off, you can do whatever but don't sit here and tell me what my time is worth, my time is free only to me and a handfull of other people. To take apart that rusted POS its going to take me two hours just from the amout of time it will take to use pen oil and hit it with heat. Then I gotta see if you have any missing parts or homemade ones because if you put a fucking spring from a pen or mouse trap and blow your foot off in the woods your lawyer is gonna come to me. After that I have to deep clean it because if I just toss it into my sandblaster the old man gunk will contaminate my blasting media and thats gonna make me drive across town and spend $10 on new walnut media. Then after I take the time to clean it I have to blast it. THEN I finally get to polish it on my buffing wheels, THAT IS IF THERE IS NO RUST otherwise I am going to have to drawfile it out and spend more time on it. Then after all that I have to turn on my salt tanks and baby the fuckers for an hour before I can soak your Sears Speacal POS for 20 minutes and use about 15 gallons of water. SO NO buddy your looking at it costing $400 to repair that $300 shotgun from the 1960's don't tell me it should only be $50 or $100, fucker. Anyways that song is about the anger I just spit on this page, thats why I like it. But it's also about turning away from your dream and being an adult. It's why I am back in school. I still need to get my classes but I am waiting to see what happens tomorrow. If I do not get my adderall I am going to be so fucking angery. Dinner tonight, Same as last night.
When I was getting my first degree there was a freind of mine that I looked up to, he was 23, an actual farm kid and a ex-lineman. He told me for all 3 years I was at that school to stop wearing those ugly wide toe redwings and to get boots. Shortly after I moved out of the house to a new state to work on a machining degree I got that jolt people get from their first taste of freedom. Having a huge truck, a cheap place to sleep and no accountablity. It was my first time being a young man on the lose, I was happy that I could just take off and no one would ask or care(before I learned how this sucks after years of it), hop from job to job, do what I want when I want. No one asking where I am going or what I am doing. Being able to sleep, eat and drink whenever I want. It was all amazing. One night I got a rush and bought a pair of rawhide roapers with a conceal carry pocket on them! It was not practical at all so I kept two spare lighters, a book of matches, a razor blade and $100 in there. That way I could always smoke, cut open boxes or anything really and I could always afford a ride home. When I got them I had to fight to get them on. It was to stiff in the heel so I could not get my feet in one of them while the other fit perfectly. After sitting on a couch and 2 of my roomates looking at me like I was some retard (this was 2 years before cowboys were cool again) I got it on and I was able to work it in. I wore them every day for the next 3 years until I went to Tennisee. Shoes are interesting if you don't have a lot of them and you take care of them, they can last you a long time. My life tends to change every two years, so I like to buy shoes around this time to wear for a new chapter. By the time I was done with them they had holes and you could see my socks! I wore them down to TN to see my grandparents new place, when I was in Nashville I found a shop on main street or music road or whatever they call it. It was buy 3 for the price of the most expesive. I found two that fit, let my brother pick the third pair then walked out. I forgot those old boots in east TN. I wanted to get them resoled. They rotted in the heat and molded. It's funny you see, not long after that trip I lost everything and had to move back into my moms. Those boots rotted just like my ability to be an adult. I miss those boots.
Today was a wash, last night I got done with my summer semester of college, I am in school for a degree in applied engineering, my first degree was an Assosate's degree in Gunsmithing and Firearm Technology, things suck right now so I do not know if I will still stay enrolled, or if I will drop out. Anyways, I went to look at fishing gear today with my family. I was wearing a Ted K shirt from Komanndo store, the old ape begind the counter got mad and asked me why I had a t-shirt of someone who killed kids? The guy next to me told him it was the unibomber, I agreed with the rando and told the ape that it was the unibomber, and that he was thinking of Timmithy Mcvay, the ape then said that he thought that guy was the one that was shot in Idaho with his family, I told him nope, that was the Weaver Family but Tim did do his bombing because of that event. The random guy next to me said "BOY YOU SURE KNOW A LOT ABOUT TERRORISTS" Mind you the whole time I was having this conversation I was squating like a vietcong in the bush in front of the handgun case drooling over a chrome plated Smith and Wesson 19-4. I thought about telling the dude to calm the fuck down then tell him that I worked with the gunstore just down the road for a number of years subcontracting, but changed my mind. It's dumb, I work in an old mans industy so I get a lot of shit, I also look like I'm a teenager even though I am 28. It is funny how telling toxically masculine men about what I do and being able to back it up with pure autisum of the mouth is enough to get most of them obsessed with me, but to be honest, I hate it, it gets to much attention and I hate having the same converstaion 10,000 times with the same type of person, they get impressed, ask questions to try and trip me, then they get mad and say some nonsence that is not true and argue about it. I hate how men tie their hobbies to their masculinity, like dude, don't you have a wife and kids to take care of? Thats what should make you a man, taking care of the ones you love, thats the only reason us men exist, not some shitty gun or car. Everytime I think of this it reminds me of a saying "If you put 3 gun guys in a room all they will agree on is that one is wrong." Anyways I walked away and started looking at fishing rods with my family and we got some things, but on the way home it broke down into a fight, I left the house and just drove. I found a small lake in the middle of nowhere I live in, I sat down and started chainsmoking and taking a few shots of Eagle Rare while thinking about what to do with myself. I am short on hours at work this week and without school to keep me stressed and busy I just could'nt figure out what to do with myself, I thought about going to Cabelas with a freind of mine the town over but its Sunday so they would be closed by the time I got there. That's when I remembered that I was going to make this site. So here I am, stinking of Marblo Black Golds, whisky and Lonestar Memorys by Tauer. I left the Eagle Rare in the truck so I have moved to Bufflo Trace, its a better bourbon then most but not as smooth with a much weaker after taste of ER, but I don't feel like leaving my room right now so I will be sticking with the BT, I would like to drink my 14 year Tin Cup but its almost gone and I can not afford to replace it currently, I was shorted on hours the last two weeks so I have a tank of gas and 18 Marb BGs to last me two weeks. Tomorrow I am planning on working on my trucks that I will be talking about in my projects page, I think I am going to make a list of all of my projects then have a page for all of them to prevent the main page from getting to long. I have a vist with my psychiatrist in two days and it can't come soon enough, I need my ADHD meds and somthing to help with the ED I get from my depresson meds. It's killing me. Dinner tonight, 125mgs of Hydroxine, whisky and maybe pizza if I want to sober up.
I went with a freind of mine to the largest REI outlet in my state, it was 5pm and black outside, snow was falling gently on the road, but it was to warm for it to stick to the road, it reflected in the headlights like stars in the sky, when we got there it was dead quite. The store has a weird layout, you have to walk across a bridge to get in, then the first thing in the building is a single rock climbing wall, it was nice seeing a box office store lined with wood and nature themed. We were there to look at Fajallraven pants but passed on them as they only had small sizes (who wears a 32x28???) I found a new collar for my dog that wont irratate his skin along with a nice wool blanket that I took cross county with me 4 months later with said friend plus another one who wasn't there that day, it was also the first time I tried a struppwaffle. I would like some tech pants but I would only wear them hiking, otherwise I would burn though the nylon with cigs and molton metal in the garage. I think this popped into my mind due to the weather, its 67 out and I guess I just can't wait for fall, I hope it holds on long enough for me to go fishing. It feels weird to ask a question, but do you ever have a flashback? Like you see somthing and it just takes you back, good or bad? I used to get it from bad things I went though growing up, I got over it though don't worry, but the habit stuck around so I spend a lot of my time remebering things instead of day dreaming, I feel for the Pale driver in Disco Elysium if you catch the ref, and if you don't, spend your time looking into somthing better, it takes multiple playthoughs to really get the picture, that game is my crashout game.