I told my dad, I told him what I have been writing about him and we both started crying, I could not get though reading it without crying. It's the one good thing these last few weeks. It has been really bad, thats why I have not been writing. The fighting in this house plays like a TV left on late at night in the living room across the house, you can hear it, you know its there, it even is keeping you up at night, but you are also to tired to get up and turn it off. Your half awake just hoping someone else will take care of it because you are so sick of it. But the other people in the house feel the same way so nothing gets done. You have been dealing with this for so long that you wont even ask the other people to turn off the TV, because they will blame you for you forgetting to turn the TV off one time years ago and attack you for it. This story can be applyed to anything in this house. It's just hate, just hate and apeasment, and nothing else, this even applys to how I grew up. When I was 6 years old I got dumped into the world of mental heath services and all the horrors that come with it. This is do large in part that my parrents were to apathetic and hated each other to much to take care of me. I was a scared kid, every night I feel asleep to fighting and doors being slammed, things throwen. It would make any kid scared. This led me to just feeling insucure and overwhelmed. I did not engage with class because I was so alone and scared. Thats when they started calling home to complain about me, making that anger be focased on me. There were days where I know they called and I begged not to go home. They would send the police and all sorts of people because of this and nothing was really ever done. But it did make them give me an IEP and send me to a phychiatrist. I was in and out and put on many meds and a always tossed around, I got mad and started yelling at these people. "Why is my kid this way?" that's what these people do for a living, but they could never think that maybe, just maybe. Not being heard and shuffled around and yelled at every night and the constant domestics could not be the issue. He has to have a mental disorder! I found one of those old evals. They labled me as having ASPD, they called a 8 year old a sociopath because they just could not imgaine that a kid not wanting to do what he was told was his only form of control in a world he did not want to be in. They backed this up by commenting that I was the most manipulative child they have ever met as a major part of this. But if they knew what world I was in they would have known. When I was young I had to learn very quick how to handle my mom to make life more easy for me. That line is somthing I never forgot, I had found and read this report when I was 10 and it has stuck with me. Eventualy I met good adults at an out patchant program and they removed that lable, they looked beyond me and looked at my home. Thats all it took for them to figure out how to help me. I am talking about this because when I am living on my own, and when I am living with my mom, my personality is diffrent. I go into a fight or flight mode 24/7. I never realised this until I lived on my own. It took me two years to decompress and learn who I really was. Right now I am not that person, I am the me thats in a constant defense mode. But that mode is breaking down. It's why things have been so bad lately. The last few days I broke twice, once with my brother and once with my mom. My brother came down stairs and was upset he had to take care of the litterbox so he dumped it all over the floor, I called him out and he squared up with me. He told me the house stinks because of my dog pissing on everything, Loki only pees in the house when I am out of it, because they dont take care of him or my moms dog. It's so bad that my moms dog has had a constant UTI for most of her life from not being able to pee often enough. I told him that has nothing to do with the litter. He called me lasy and an asshole. I called him out, about how his room is, about the hole above his ass full of puss from not wipping, he then told me to get a job, and that started to piss me off, by his age, I had been working full time for three years. I got a job the day after I turned 16, and when I turned 18 my mom was watching the clock and told me that she can kick me out and that I have to pay rent not that I was 18. I was not even out of highschool yet. She made me pay her $100 a week and after tax and my own living expesise that made me go negitive. She did not care, she told me that cash would be given to me when I move out for school. That never happened. She used it to put a downpayment on this house. Now I do work, I do have a job, but he told me to get one, so in my mind, he is telling me I don't work enough, I know he is saying this because my mom says it. She told me I should be working 3 jobs right now. Meanwhile W does not do shit. I called him out on it and he told me that I got fired because I am an asshole. I called him out and told him that he got fired from both of his jobs and has not held a job for more then two weeks. I told him to shut the fuck up because he has no idea what is like to work. He pull the "your 10 years older then me" bullshit so I called him out again that I did way more at his age with way less. I was not given a car, I was given a almost toatled oldsmobile bravada. I did not get given a computer, I had to work for it. That I have never been handed cash by mom ever. So he told me that well I have a girlfreind, all you have is that other girl that got sick of you and the one that ghousted you twice. I broke I got up, I walked up to him and got nose to nose. I have beaten his ass before, so has my dad. I told him not to assume shit about me, that he has no idea what I have done or who I have been with, that I never let mom know anything at his age because of how she is. I was so close I could see his eye dialating from fear and adrenline. That made me stop, he is my brother. He looks just like me, we could be twins, we are just 10 years apart. We grew up almost the same, we are the same size, we wear the same shoe size, the same pant and shirt size. When I saw those eyes I saw me, me when I was a kid. In that moment I know how my eyes looked most of my childhood. I was willing to beat him before that, even with my hand in a cast. At that point my mom came down and yelled at me, told me that I was already asked to move out. That I am nothing but a problem. In that moment I was mad at him and I acted like that for a few reasons, one is that he was talking to me like my mom was, a kid that has never done anything, that has never seen the USA, worked in factorys and came home brused from work or with sunburn from welding arcs. A kid that has never been in a fight outside of with me and my dad, that has never had a gun pulled or went hand to hand with someone thats not family, someone that had no reason not to kill him outside of might not being able to get away with it. A kid that has never had to give first aid to his freind at work, or has had to walk home or to work. A kid that while was raised with the tone I was raised with, has never had to go though anything hard and has had more oppertunitys then I ever had at his age. He said things that only my mom would know, that he only knows because she spends all day talking shit about me in the room next to him. I knew everything that came out of his mouth came out of my moms mouth. That's why I wanted to beat him, and I still wish I could. This morring was just as bad. I woke up at 3, I have been unable to sleep, I have to admit it to myself, I can lie all I want. But I keep mixing meds with liquor because its the only way I can sleep. I have been drinking a lot. I keep finding myself after these events driving the backroads randomly until I find a lake that has no one on it. Then I pull in and smoke, and drink until the sun goes down. Just looking at the lake trying not to think. For the first time in my life I am chemicly dependant. I have never used anything in my life as a crutch but I lost. I used to be proud of that, that I could handle it on my own, but I just can't anymore. This morning I woke up and wanted to cook breakfast for me and my mom. I did not want to cook for her, I just knew that if I did not I would have to pay for it emotonally. So I made us bacon. eggs and pancakes that were supposed to be cinnimon choc chip. But it turns out over the last week my brother has eaten 4 bags of choc chips, so I only used cinnimon. I poured myself some milk and as I was eating a fly landed in it and died. That's how filithy the house is. I can't eat in the kitchen or dining room because of the filth. I just took a picture and sent it to them, without a comment. My mom rushed out and stated yelling at me, that I thought I was better then them, that I should clean if I have a problem with it. I just told her to compare the bascement to the upstairs and let me know what she thinks, she just stated telling me how much she hated me while I was eating, just ranting at me. Being that TV thats been left on all my life. She just gets worse when she is like this, this is why I was called a manipulator. I can't talk to her because it makes things worse and escalates things, so I just sit quitetly and just let her yell, this also makes her mad, she thinks its an insult. She will do and say anything to get at me, she told me to go downstairs to eat but I did not, I knew if I went down stairs she would chase me and trash the downstairs to make it just as bad as the upstairs. So I sat and let her rant. She kept going to her room then walking back out to yell at me more about anything. My truck, my stuff, my dog, me, my dad, my brother, how I have ruined her life and a lot of things I can't remember. But I do remember this, she told me that if I get cancer she is going to let me rot and die alone. See she told me thatis because my grandpa is dying from cancer right now, and that I want to help him so I can help my grandma. She really said that, it is one of the worst things she has told me, not the worst but its up there. Really all I could think about is that she has walked back and forth across the house several times. I think that is the most I have seen her move in months, I cant actully remember the last time I saw her move so much. It bugs me that I am more suprised by that then what she said. I wanted to ask her, I really wanted to ask her if she knows anyone whos life is better for having her in it, especially when it comes to men. But I did not. She told me its not enought that I work and I am doing almost 3 years of school in one year and that I made the deans list, nope I should have 3 jobs at my age. Thats all I am to her, a tool. I have never been anything else. If I am not giving her cash and cleaning the house I need to be dead. She did the same to my dad, its just how she treats men. I don't wish she was dead, or that I don't talk to her, I just wish she was never a part of my life, that I never knew her, no matter what happens that I can't scrub her off of me and who I am, that she was able to shape me with abuse. She tells me that she raised me better, but she never raised me. I could never tell her anything, I had to keep her away from my life even as a kid. That I can't let her know anything because she will use it to attack me or talk bad about me to people. I never had a mom, I never got to have a dad when I was young either, I rasied myself, and when I do somthing that she wants to brag about she trys to claim the things I have worked so hard for as the result of her efforts as a mom. the defining moment with out relatioship can be summed up with this one event when I was 12. After the devorce and the move, when the new townhouse we moved into was set up, we sat at the table. She looked at me and asked "So what do you like to do?" I started to cry, cry that my own mom did not bother to ask me about myself until I was 12, that she did not notice me. All she did was yell at me for it. I hate that I keep thinking about how I want to die a lot the last few weeks. it just keeps popping into my head. I wish it didin't but I keep thinking it and I do.
This is one of the worst moments of my life, one of the worst thing's that happened to me when I was a kid. I was 13 at the time. Sorry I stopped for a few minutes just dwelling on this. I was at home playing xbox. My mom wanted to go to a race track, she thought she just needed to spend more time with me. But at this point I was so afraid of her that when she got home and the garage door opened, it made the floor of my bedroom shake. That shake and that noise makes me have a pannic attack. It's why I chose the coldest room in the house, its the only one that dose not shake when the garage door opens. I even lubed the chain so its not as loud when she gets home. I did not want to be by her at all. I told her I was not going and she got mad. She got really mad. I just hid in my room. I really hate that room. She was so mad that I did not talk to her or let her know what I was doing that she would stare at me though the crack in the door hinge to watch me. I caught her a few times. She was looking so hard for somthing to yell at me about. It did not matter, maybe I killed someone in a video game, or she was convinced I was lookint at porn. Even to this day, My door has to bee all the way open and I have to sit in a way I can know I am not being looked at. It just makes me feel ill. I can't keep it closed. When someone knocks on my door or opens it fast, it makes me pannic. Right now my door is locked because of what happend and I am sick thinking about the door handle shaking and her yelling at me. Anyways my aunt was down stairs, she was embarresed that I did not want to go with her in front of my aunt. So like a normal adult she got a mason jar full of hot water from the tap and threw it on me. On my xbox and everything. I just lost in that moment. She ran after she did it. I took the jar and just kept throwing it at the wall, over and over, making hole after hole trying to break that jar. She called the cops, told them that I lost it, they did not care what I said, after all I was a kid. It was late November, They walked me out in gym shorts and flip flops, put cuffs on me to I assume scare me streight. They then took me down to a boys and girls home that was in seperated buildings. It was lockdown, No outside time. Just a bunch of rooms on the second floor and a shower and toliet, then on the bottom floor it was a big living room with a TV and some urnals in front of the staff desk for the kids who had to take daily drug screanings for probation. The kids here were ones that have been disowned by their familys and are to young to get perscuted by law. Across from the desk was a small lunch room then down the hall was a gym that was always locked. Most of the kids there were horible. There was one I liked. I can't remeber his name. He had been there for over two years. See he was Hmong, from what I remember Hmong children get married at puberty and are seen as adults in their community, some of them even get emancapated. Thats what happed to this kid. One day he got a ride from his freind or cosin, I can't remember. He got arrested, charged and convicted of I think joy riding. He was legaly an adult so they could not put him in juvie but he was to young to go to prision. So they put him there. His family gave hims a laptop and he spent all his time working on a degree. I can't remember what he was going for but when he got out he was going to have a masters and a job lined up. I liked him, he was the only one there that was not just idk bad? He liked me and the other kids respected him so the mostly left me alone. Now here the weird thing about this place, they dont provide anything but food and a bed. So if I wanted clean clothes my family had to drop them off, same with any toiletrys. That first night I got there late, so I was not bothered. I got to spend most of the night watching the simpsons. I remember that this was when the 20th aniversery for that show was airing, so I was there around 1/14/10 so it was not september. Anyways, The next day all the kids there started sizing me up, I met some of them, then about 6 of them came up to me and told me when I went to take a shower or use the only toilet on the second floor they were going to rape me. The day after I was told my mom left me some stuff, but all that was there was a teens pocket bible with the passagses about respecting your parents highlited and taged with postit notes. We used it as a door stop in the shared dorm to keep the door open so the heat came in. I kept it but lost it after a few years, I kept it around so anytime she was nice to me I could remind myself what she was. I spent 10 days there, I never shit, I never showered, and I sat in front of the TV the whole time so I was in eye site of the staff. I was supposted to be there for 14 days, but on the 10th I got dropped off at my OP program I was going to at the time. The issue was that They dropped me off at 6 am in January with nothing but a t shirt, flip flops and a pair of gymshorts. I sat there for two hours before one of the therapists showed up, he was riding a Harly that day because the snow was gone at that point. That man got me into syfi books while I was there. Enders game was a good book. He saw me did a double take and ran up to me and asked me what was going on. He rushed me inside and gave me a blanket, phoned everyone who worked there and the police. I don't remember much of that because I fell asleep in an office next to the common room. I woke up when a very good man named Kevin Horst was screaming at her. I have never seen that man scream. He is quite litteraly Mr. Rogers. He was screaming at my mom, she was in tears I could hear them though the window. He was telling her that he was going to get me and my brother taken aways and she did not really care, then after that he told her he was going to report this to the nursing board and the police and make sure she gets time for child abuse. That is what made her start crying. When I got home that night I took the worst shit in my life that made me bleed. I almost blacked out and fell on the floor. That night I walked into my moms room while she was sleeping and stood next to her holding a iron meat tenderizer we used to have, after a few minutes I went back to bed. She really did tell me that she wanted me to get cancer tonight so she could watch me rot.
Spent all day working on the ranger, the bung hole the 02 sensor screws into was cross threaded by the last guy. I am going to have to tap it again when I figure out what the thread size is, I might be lucky and able to use a grade 8 bolt from menards or somthing, until then its stuck in the garage. I spent a good chunk of the day filing it, hoping that I could get enough of the bad part of the thread out. My thumb is killing me. I guess I am walking to work tomorrow. We will see. When I was sitting this morning I was thinking of a winter project and I think I am going to build a guitar. I don't know how to play one but thats the second part of the project. I think it would be fun. I found a nice kit I could build one from and finish it in a nice way. I need to look into what people use to finish them. I don't need to worry about tools because I already have chizzles and other things. I also need to rebuild my gunsmithing chest. Over time I have broke a lot of things that came out of there and my scredriver set is missing a lot of bits due to my old buiness partners wife tossing all my shit around the shop after she stole all of our cash. I got the bacement almost clean so I think I am going to turn the spare bedroom into an excersise room so I can keep the cats away from my stuff. I can even set up the treadmill so I can watch TV in the morning. I need to get a schedual in place in my life. It's hard though because I work random hours and I would like 3 hours before work to walk and lift. The kitchen is almost clean too. My brother should be gone soon so this house will be clean for the first time in a long time. I am mad I did not get to fish this summer tbh. But I think I will work on the boat in the winter also so its ready next spring. I am going to try to keep it light weight. As it is now I could put it in the bed of the f250 without a trailer if I tied it down. I am also about to buy a bunch of westren wear. Stendaro just came out with a long sleeve line that I dig. I like to roll my sleeves. It is neat, when I take those meds and drink I can actualy sleep though the night. I woke up rested today for the first time this year. It was cold enough to put my wool jacket on as I smoked and drank espresso on my porch. I am going to be up all night because I woke up at 3PM today. I think I will just pull an all nighter and sleep when I get home from work. I should have my laptop and PC soon. It will be nice. I need to find a nice messanger bag for it that I can put my nalgine bottle on. I want to get back into learning cursive and drawing again this winter. I need more creative hobbies. I should be bleaching my hair at the end of the week. I am going to perice my ears after. I am also looking into sketching my own sleeve. I think I want to put native flowers on my other arm though. I do not think I am going to get anything on my chest or back yet until I lose weight. No memorys today, I spent it all working on projects so my mind did not wander.
Today was the first real night of fall, the first time I felt cold being out in a long sleeve t shirt. I just came in after sitting on my tailgate smoking black golds and drinking coffee watching the lights on a cell tower miles away blink. It's a moonless night. Back when I lived on my own I would drive my truck aimlessly for hours on days that I felt non existant. Nothing but being able to see 30 feet in front of me with the amber glow of old incondesent headlights. I can't do that today even though its all I want to do. I did break my thumb 3 days ago. I thought it would be nice to be able to sit and work on this site but this is my first time touching it. Not being able to work on things to distract myself gives me to much time to think and thinking is bad for my mental health. I woke up late for work, 3 hours late. Hydroxine does not mix with the anti inflamitorys they gave me for my thumb, they don't do pain pills anymore and thats probably a good thing otherwise I would probobly be abusing them as a form of self harm. When I got home from work I was very just sad. Sad about a lot of things. When I was able to get myself togeather I asked to go get some grocerys for the house. I am broke due to not having a lot of hours and being so depressed I have missed a good amount of hours also. I wanted to make a chicken chili and apple crumble with ice cream. I have eaten nothing but tuna, beans, eggs, and pasta for the last 6 months unless I am going out. On my way out the door both the cats got out as I let my dog out to pee. When I was going to the store I got a call for my mom, I was expecting her to ask me to get more things but it was just screaming, that so deep its just bellowing rage. A noise she saves just for me. She was mad the cats got out, she threatened to throw my dog out and I just locked up. When I hear that noise it brings me back to being a kid at the mercy of an out of control world. When people yell at me I just lock up. It triggers my PTSD. I don't like to talk about that, I don't like to tell people that I have it. I go out of my way to hide it from my psychiatrist. I don't want that lable. I know I have it, I have triggers that give me moodswings that should not be doing that to me. Little things that just make me feel like its the end of the world. A door slamming will make me wake up from a dead sleep and fall out of bed, hearing a door handle turn will do the same thing to me, its why I sleep with my door open. That call made an already ruined day harder. When I got to the store I just sat out in the car for an hour so I could stop crying and get my shit in order. I spent an hour getting what I needed just to find out after that call she turned the card off. See she is out with her only freind right now. Her friend knows I hate her, she thinks its unfair because I don't know her. But I hate Christine because she brings out the worst in my mom. She backs up everything my mom thinks and finds it funny when men get punished. Christine has 3 kids from 3 diffrent dads. Her family is quite litterly the Duttons. He dad owns about 15% of Montana and a good part of Minnasota also. She hates men because she hates her dad. She had a kid at 16 and rebelled hard. She is mad because her dad gave all of her bothers and sisters along with there neices and nephews homes and good jobs in their family company. But she is mad because she got the old house, a 3400 foot house with a 1200 ft garage. My mom always compares her son to me. She tells me that I have no excuse because he is 19 and doing better then me. When that kid turned 18 he was given a 1500 sqft shop and 300k worth of equpment to ruin a weld shop. I did not get any of that. I did not even get a car from her. When I was 18 and still in high school I had to pay her rent. I was not able to save for a car or college. When I left the store I just sat. I sat for another hour, got myself back togeather and went to a gas station and used my last two dollars to buy a coffee then I went home. I need to ask for more hydroxine. I have maybe 15 25gm pills left and I am about to take 1/3 of them and chase it with my anti inflamitory and some irish whisky so I can sleep. I think I am going to tell my friends not to give my guns back until I move out no matter what, I think I would have made a bad choice several times over the last three months. I wish there was just a big undo button.
I wish I could stop thinking about people that have not been in my life for years, but I miss talking to people. I miss the 4 hour phone calls about dance moms and work. I miss the phone calls about things I was sick of hearing about at the time, about who did what. But most of all what I miss is singing and reading to them. That's why I can sing a lot of songs. Love songs, Frauline and Evangalina by Colter Wall or even you are my sunshine. I also miss reading. I used to read to both of them over the phone, even if I was over the road for work I made the time. I loved being able to read them to sleep, to hear them get sleepy as we talk about how the girl from Twilight is a huge bitch. About how much llewelyn moss loved his wife and was risking everything so they could have a better life. The sleepy yawns. It was nice because in those hours we could just stop reading then talk about things, and then when we were done, instead of hanging up I would just read until we could talk about someone else. But most of all I miss being able to wish them goodnight and tell them that I love them when they were asleep, I would usualy read a page or two before I noticed. I would smile a bit and ask them if they were there, I would tell them how much I love them and how much they ment to me, to tell someone you love them even if they were not there to hear it. I miss beling able to do that.
I think I broke my thumb, I cant get my coveralls off and I am taking Hydorox with whisky again so I can sleep. I dont think 12 oz of water will be enough to hydrate me after 12 oz of Kilbrin Irish Whisky. It could also just be another bout of insomina. I REALLY hope they dont put screws in my thumb. I think I broke the part where it attached to my palm. I hurt it a few years ago when I was trucking. But uh yeah, insomina. I grew up with a bad sleep cycle, my mom would work nights and be up watching TV until I had to go to school. I also had this supper bad thing from when I was a kid where I just could not fall asleep until I was so tired I could just pass out. I was like a zombie in high school. I would sleep for about two hours a night, go to school then work for 8 hours and just be unable to sleep. People legit thought that I was retarded because of just how out of it I was, on the rare ocasion I could sleep for 8 hours I would act normal and it would freak people out, it was some flowers for algernon shit. But this sucks, I cant get my coveralls off because my hand is to fucked up so I am going to put a spare sheat down on my bed and just sleep in oil, if my hand is still fucked up in the morning I guess I am going to get X-Rays. I did get a lot done today, I moved a lot of stuff around the lower half of the house and bleached and mopped the floors to get the smell of animals and my brother+his GF out. There is room down here now and its was less depressing now that is it clean again like it was 6 months ago. I also have been fucking with the ranger non stop, I got the 02 sensor out, it took a lot of MAPP gas and pen oil but I was able to hammer on a smaller socket and get it to turn. But when it gave away is when I fucked up my hand, so I was not able to put the new one on. Good news is that I can still type well. I thought I was off tomorrow but I am not, they have me on for two fucking hours so guess who is going into work oilly as fuck with his hand prob in a brace? This fucking guy thats who. Been dealing with more matches and people on DC all day, I had a few good convos, gonna see where it leads. I also might just need to retime the fuel pump on the f250 to make it run again. Mind you the fuel pump on that thing is not like one in a car, its the size of a fucking foot ball and weighs like 40 LBs those things cost like $800 and I do not want to rebuild that fucker. But if thats the case then its good to go, if thats not it, I def have a dropped valve or maybe a blown head gasket, if its the later then I know the engine was hydro locked. if its noth either of those I think the oil cooler might be leaking coolent into the oil. I had about a thimble full of water in the oil, or maybe it was diesel, idk it was so little and I could not tell via smell because heavy duty disel oil is over powering. Also a bag of gear oil exploded in the garage so I am going to have to powerwash the floors to get the smell of sulfer out of the place. I have been doing a lot of work around the house otherwise. Hvac filters, light bulbs and ceiling tiles also! The cats got into the cealing and broke through it, we have a drop ceiling down here. I found like 2 broken tiles in the downstairs bath again. I also went to menards and got some shit, pen oil, more mapp gas and some pop. I found some good songs and added them to my playlist. Good news is that I got into the classes I was on a waitlist for. I should be done by this spring, I almost flunked this summer because of a lot of bad events happening at once, a final straw broke the camels back so to speek and I had to get on meds because I was diagnosed with MDD. I have had it all my life from a chem inbalance but I hated the side effects of the meds so I have just powered though it. But I had to go on them again. For the last 10 weeks I have been just at my lowest. I have not been this just sad in a long time, not since I was a kid trapped in a world I did not want to be in. But I need to get it done for me. So I can get some cash and buy a mint classic F250 or a Lexus GX, its like a 5th gen 4runner but not shit. It still has the v6 and all the nice off road stuff but not stuck in 2012. If I am going to get a daily I would like a hud and a Toyota thats actualy made in japan and not the fucking south. Its why modren Toyota is falling appart and they have not been updating shit since the mid 2000s. Also the GX has a third row that the 6th gen 4 runner is missing on its off road versions. Its also idiot proof, the 5th gens have an AMAZING 4x4 system but you really got to know what your doing to use it right, the GX does give you that option but you can just let it do its thing and not have to fuss. Also its block and clean, its also brown. I love brown cars, idk why its just somthing I fell into. I also got a hookup for pixle art stuff, I was recomeded pintrest but IDK I am scared I might get another addiction. I fucked up last week when I was looking into CSS stuff and unblocked YT and it stole all my time again. I keep getting shitty stuff from the algo thats super alt right, I hate it. All I watch is fucking creepypastas as I fall asleep and car videos. WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME INCEL SHIT? I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANDERW TATE OR FUCKING SARGON. I DO NOT CARE. DO NOT SHOW ME SOME 45 YEAR OLD THAT MADE SOME POINT DURING GAMERGATE AND BECAME A FULLTIME GRIFTER. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT POLOTICS. I JUST WANT SHIT TO BE EASIER. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT UKRAINE OR ISREAL OR SOME BULLSHIT. FUCK I DONT EVEN CARE IF A CAR BOMB GOES OFF IN THE TOWN OVER IF IT DOES NOT EFFECT ME. YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE ME CARE ABOUT THAT? TRAFFIC ON MY WAY TO WALMART. I have enough going on to care about those things. But for real, I have been off for 3 days, I know I got a lot done but I can't remember most of it so it feels like I have done nothing. Oh and B called me today, we had a weird convo. He was mad at me, and when he is mad like that I know I fucked up. He was mad a about a lot of things that dont make sence to me but I am going to go with the flow ig. I can't afford to piss him off. I am talking to a cute farm girl a town over. She is nice and has that whimsy I like. She works in pre-ed. I can't explain it but when I see a woman thats good with kids or animals my heart melts. I also got one other girl that wants to meet in my home town just south of me. I need to go on a river date and get a shake for real. I was talking to 3 others but I have left them unread for 3 days. I should get back to them I just have been to busy. Not being able to focus on people is why I am single and alone tbh. Out of the like IDK 6 I am talking to the only two that intrest me are on DC and one is kinda uninterested or maybe on the spectrum I have no idea. I need those meds. Speeking of that I got a call back, I should be able to do an online test for that stuff whenever. Anyways my dog is blowing his nose at me, he gets mad when I don't go to bed with him. P.S this is how I am going to style this site.
I took woodshop every semester for all of highschool. Have you ever read lord of the flys? It was lord of the flys but with powertools. They had the teacher doubble booked teaching physics and our woodshop. So dude just left 45 boys aged 15-19 alone in a room for an hour everyday with no supervision. It took years to get one of the boys to join but when M did all hell let loose. The Teach at that point has known me for 3 years and I was a shithead and gaslit him into thinking I was not a massive peice of shit. All I did was show M how to mess with people. I would epoxy all the tape mesures onto the tables, we were 6th hour so they had 14 hours to set. We would watch kids run into the room and try to grab them before they ran out only to fall over like some scoooby doo shit. I would also shove board backwards into the table saw to shoot them across the room. I broke one of the cinderblocks in the wall that day. The most memerable moment was when I got set up by my teach, he told me he would give me an A if I helped M and one other dude called S that I have not seen in years do their box project. So I just did it for them while I was board. I was mitering one of the boxes when I hear M go "Hey P.C watch this!" As I looked up I saw him shoving a metal ruler into the mitersaw. Now for those not in the know when it comes to wood working equpment a miter saw is super fucking dangerus. Not as scary as a jointer but its UP they WAY fucking up there. I miter saw is a normal table saw but with an inch of blades stacked togeather. Its used to cut channels into wood, think like when you look at a wooden table stand with sliders from the 70s, ever wounder how they cut those groves for the sliding door tracks? They use 6 circular saw blades RIPPING not cutting because this RIPS wood off the board. Anyways table saws have a built in safety that will make all those saw blades drop into an aluminum block and break the blades and the whole fucking table at once. This is because they have an electic current so if you, you know, put a finger or perhaps your penis into it. (look dont be suprised I said that, if you are dump enough to touch that thing you are dumb enough to put your cock into it) It will break the circit and cause it to drop into the block. Anyways that what happend when M touched the shit with a steel ruler. WHAM BAM, so me being the man of action in shock filled moments, grabed out shit, took M who was frozen by the shoulders and walked him out of the room while whipering into his ear not to tell anyone. The teach freaked and it took him half a year to figure out it was M because of a snitch that people had issues with. I did a lot more also. I took a can of varnish,cut the bottom off and let it sit for an hour so it got a little gelled up and put it on a table. When a kid picked it up a pint of varnish poured out of the can all over him. Man I was an asshole. But tbh there were kids actualy just streight smoking cigs in that room like it was the 40s. I also got into a few fist fights in that class. I always one because only the scrawny motherfuckers got into peoples faces and well you dont lose when you are 3x the size of someone. Not much pride in it but it was still fun. I also saw a kid with downs walk up to a kid using the table saw, he cranked the wheel and rased it an inch and it cut though a kids box. That was bad ass ngl. No idea why he was in that class, I think he litteraly woundered in. 2016 was a werid time to be in HS. Vapes were a new thing and you could just buy them without ID. This was back before they had carts so you would fill the thing yourself. The bathrooms were stained with the smell of cotton candy and kids would just rip fat clouds in the halls. Crazy thing is, I did not even go to a shithole school. It was in the top 100 best public high schools in the USA at the time. But man, we really got away with a lot of shit. Me and the boys were called "The weird kids who act like loosers but are always up to shit" once by a chick named Talylor I had beef with. To be fair I was at least,sometimes with W also. When I turned 18 my grandpa asked what i wanted and I told him a security bit set and two cans of WD-40 and a drill. He was so proud of me but it was actully so me an W could sneak out of our classses and take a bathroom appart. I used the drill and the bits to take all the hardware off the stall and set the stall walls in the corner so when you walked in you just saw a toliet in the corner. Then me and W took the cans of WD40 and lubed the floors infron of the urnals. Some kid walked in while we were washing our hands and packing, this took us like 3 mintutes in total. He was giggling about the stall and asked us so I just hit him with a "Idk dude wana hit this mountan dew vape?" So the kid walked up to the urnals and started peeing, when he ajusted his legs he slipped and pissed all over himself. Man this is to long, I should save these, I could touch on the time me and W turned out clay projects into kiln bombs or when I printed 900 pictures of G.W Bush with the twin towers burning in the background in full color. But those are fucking mint storys so I will save them for another time. Man I was an asshole. Maybe I deserve all the shit that happens to me lmao. Anyways my thumb fucking hurts and I need to build this fucking website. I have been writing for an hour and a half its just after 4AM gn peeps.
(quick note, I have almost figured out CSS, I have the next three days off so I am going to make this look less sparten soon. My bosses brother can hook me up with a used custom spec laptop from a large medical company he works for, he is in charge of IT and gets first dibs on the stuff the toss, mmm carbonfiber laptop. After I get that in the next month or two I plan on drawing my own assets mainly with MS paint.)It was a really good day, I went to a party for a close freind of mines twins, they just turned one. I was under the assumption this was the "freinds only" party like they usually do so instead my frends grandma got to see me with my Ted Kazinkski shirt. It was funny though I walked in all all these boomers were staring me down, but I took some hydroxine before hand so it did not phase me lol, things like that I can hide physicly but its nice to actualy feel the way I make my body present. Anyways my freind M who was running the thing started lauging at me and told me nice shirt so I hit him with "I wore it just for you boo boo, when I got dressed I saw it and it spoke to me like the the green goblin mask. It was fun seeing everyone, after the boomers left (they were staring me down) we were all able to relax and talk about the things we did growing up, I have known these people for about 17 years, we go back. M's wife A has a freind named K. I have meet K a few times before, she was a year under us in high school. The first time I met her we were in M's moms basment after his highschool grad party drinking. I did not pay her any attention because I was to afraid to talk to her, mainly because she has such a thick East EU accsent that I could not understand her. Last time I saw her was two years ago at M and A's wedding. She had a dude with. When she was there today she was alone, I thought it was weird because she loves M and A's kids so much, she was acting just as protective of those babies as A was. It was really cute to watch. Thinking about it now, if she was with someone she probably would have made him come with. But we joked a bit, turns out she works for 3M as some sort of manager. She was not flirting with me bust she was eager to talk to me. I can't tell if she was into me or if it was from the fact that out of 5 guys there I was the only one who was willing to talk to her. My freinds are supper shy its pretty funny. She left while I was in the bathroom so I could not ask for her details. I asked in the group chat if she was single and my freind B told me "No P.C dont try this" I asked back "No as in shes not single?" then B told me back "No as it leave it be" M started laughing and I told him to tell A to dm her and tell her I thought she was cute so I could make B freak out. I asked M if B liked he but he said he had no idea. I think I remeber years ago back in high school I think he said he liked her, but its been 9 years so uh to bad. It was fun though, I left with a party hat and my mouth and teeth are stained blue right now. I brought left overs to work to make up for making my co worker run the store solo. After I went out and picked up Chinese for my mom and I and we spent the rest of the night watching the new King of the Hill. It's super good. I grew up on that show and to be honest its mutch better now. That's a big suprise due to how low most restarts are of shows these days. I think its like futurama where if you played them togeather you would not be able to tell them appart when it comes to quality. It did suck though because randomly while we watched my mom would try to be my med provider and tell me what meds to take and what I should ask for. I also got yelled at, my dad called and asked about my brother and his GF moving out, I told him the details that my brother needs to get a job to get on the lease and out here that means he has to finaly learn to drive, dude has been putting it off for two years. Anyways my dad laughed and said "tell him good luck for me since he is to good to talk his dad" like I was not just going to show him how. I do hate him, but that does not mean I should not teach him how to do things. Anyways I guess my dad called him and must have said some shit because it made my brother cry. So I got yelled at for it. My mom is mad that I talk to him. She asked me yesterday while I was dealing with some other things and trapped in a car with her. (her common tactic to make us talk to her when she is starting shit) "Why do you like him more then me, I need to know why you think I am a horrable evil bitch but he is okay" So I told her, its because he was not around when I was growing up, I only got to know him when I was an adult and he got out of prison. Since then when I have an issue I can count on him droping everything I need help with somthing. It means a lot. But with you there has been a lot of ugly and not much good, I just can't think of any good experances involving you. She asked me "how was that fair? he just got to come and be the good guy and win, how is that fair to me?" I wanted to shoot her, I should not say that but I really wanted to. HOW WAS IT FUCKING FAIR TO ME THAT I WAS FORCED INTO OUT PATIENT FOR MMD AND HAD TO WATCH KID CUT THEMSELFS WHEN I WAS 12? HOW WAS IT FUCKING FAIR THAT I HAD TO WATCH A GROUP OF STAFF BREAK DOWN A DOOR BECAUSE A KID WAS HANGING HIMSELF IN THE DOOR JAM WITH A FUCKING SWEATSHIRT. HOW WAS IT FAIR THAT WHEN I WAS TRYING TO EAT LUNCH SOME WIERD KID TOLD ME THAT IF YOU TAKE THE BLADES OUT OF A DISPOSABLE RAZOR THEY CURL AND CAN CUT YOUR ARM BETTER IF YOU WANTED TO DIE? HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT WHEN YOU PUT ME IN A BOYSHOME AND I ALMOST GOT RAPED BY 6 PEOPLE FOR 10 DAYS? shes full of shit, she is so nice then just turns into a monster, and thats the worse, when someone gets you relaxed then just turns the world upside down. Its all she does. But anyways my dad, he worked 80 hours a week and then was taken out of my life, growing up I just watched him come home and sleep on the couch then wake up to go back to work before I went to bed. He was a painter and worked around the clock painting sky scrapers (on the outside!) and other things like the rollercoasters at vallyfair. I remeber when the state got some sort of person to do home checks when I was 7 or 9. They asked me what I needed to be happy in the home. I had no idea. I really did not. How I lived was just normal to me. How can you tell the sun is warm if you never felt it? But people with those jobs just don't get that. They just keep asking, eventually I told them I wish I knew my dad. After that they had a family meeting and my dad put in a lot of effort. He took me places to do things, dave and busters and a few other I can't remember. But now that I think about it, that means he came home, spent time with me, then went back to work without sleep. See that is what a man should do. Even thinking about that makes me want to cry. That is real love. That's why I take so much from a man who has made a lot of bad choices in life. The one thing he did not mess up with was me, I am so greatful I have that. If you do anything today, think back on the things your parrents did for you, thank the for it, and do your best to be like them in that moment.
I have been thinking a lot the last month about first two girls I had a relationship with. I wish I didint. But you know how it is, you get a picture of someone in your phone and forget about it then years later you see a picture of them and it all comes flooding back. The first girl I hit it off with was named Isabell, she was about 5'4, blue eyes, REALLY long hair, it went down to her butt, she took good care of it. That time was the most alone I had ever been. I was 150 miles away from family, and I was not on speeking terms with them, at the time I wanted to cut them all out to get away from how I grew up. My friend's were all busy. All I did was work. I got a match on bumble and it was this cute girl in scrubs, she took an interest in me and bit on hard. She ambushed me and had me meet her in a scheels parking lot after talking for two weeks, she was playing with her shirt acting like she was going to take it off, I was so red in the face I froze up, we talked for a bit and agreed to go on more dates. But after that it started, I talked to her on the phone for about 3 hours a day every day. It made me get rid of my social anxiety. We went to movies and dinner and all sorts of fun stuff. But after a while she stopped wanting to see me but still keep talking everyday. She asked me what I would do if she was pregnant and it was not yours? That was that. One year, 4 hours everyday, and that was that. In retrospect she was a bad match for me, we had nothing in common I had to mask my personality from her because she did not like nerd stuff, it made her feel dumb. But she was the only person I had to talk to. I thought about her for weeks after, I wanted to die. But in the end I realized I just needed someone to talk to, to feel wanted. It took me months to get over her, just to process it. After that I met another problem on yet again bumble. Her name was Lonie and talked about being nerodivergent, I should have seen that as a red flag, but with how I grew up I can really only connect with people like that, that are okay with the weird I have from my experances. I met her at a park, I was in shock and wanted to leave because she was listening to music walking around a baseball dimond. But she saw me and I had nothing better to do, we had a good conversation and she made me laugh, I can't remember why. But she was funny, she was also wearing peirced elf ear prostetics and I was looking at them, she got red in the face because she forgot to take them off before she left. She had no pockets and made me put them in my pocket, it was cute so I was down for it. We walked around and we went out to eat somewhere I can't remember where. But on the way back my car was being slugish and I thought I was having an issue with my transmission. After a few minutes she told me to stop because my tire was smoking, I pulled over and it was locked up and actually on fire. So I took my leatherman and grabbed the plastic water bottles B left in my car after a camping trip, popped holes in the cap and started spraying, she started doing the same. She could have walked home, we were just down the street but she stayed and put it out. In that moment I knew she was ride or die. I forgot to give her the ears back, but I think that was her plan so she could see me again (sly) I got to learn about her, about how her parrents died when she was a kid, one of 6. They lived alone in Prescott AZ with one 18 year old running the house. One day it burnt down and they tried to stick together but they fell appart, she moved with her older sister to Las Vegas when she was in her teens, her sister was a dancer. After a few months Lonie found out she had leukemia and thats where the scar on her upper chest came from. She told me about how she almost died. She dropped out of school and never had the chance to go back. When she turned 18 she was working xbox 360 support and working with her sister. She hated the life, met a guy in MT and moved there with a freind. The dude got her pregnent and tossed her out, she went into laybor on a grayhound in winter. She was homless so they took her kid and gave him to her family in Ohio. They also have a very very dark thing in MT. If you are a homless female that just had to give up her newborn they will offer you a free tubal ligation but you only have a month to take the offer. So she did. She never wanted this to happen again and they let a woman alone in a dark place change her life forever. After that she ended up in MN with some freinds she gamed with online and met me. See I liked her because we both had it rough, she was the only person I know that had it worse then me, we also both had to go though a lot of theropy. It made talking to her so easy. We could just say things without judgment. It was funny because we would be talking about horrable things in public not thinking and we would have a room full of people staring at us. But truth be told, I did not care then, and I would not care now. I don't care what randos in some place I will never go again think. But after awhile she got to comfterbule and got to to crazy, it was mainly due to her roomates trying to force her into a polycule. So she took off to Ohio and we kept in contact. I paid for her bus. I could not take her in at the time and she told me she just wants to get her kid back, I respected it so I helped her. I waited to see if she would calm down, I was on the fence with her. She did calm down. I even planned to move out there and work at a gun plant nearby. It sounds crazy but I don't really have any attachments in my life. One day she called me and told me she had cancer again and my heart dropped. She started taking things out on me. I had a lot going on, I should have gave her support. But I was overwhelmed with the idea of her dying in a bed infront of me I got emotonally numb. After a week of trying to support her and be there after the phone I was an ass and told her to give me a few days. When I called back she had me blocked on everything. A few months later in about October of 24 she pinged me on discord. I asked her how she was doing and she never told me. We talked, she told me she thought I hated her, I told her "How can I hate the girl who put her ears in my pocket" I told her I still cared. The next day she deleted that account. I woundered about her since. But about a month ago I reinstalled cash app on my phone and saw her account. She was active and looked healthy in her pictures. I have thought about sending her a dollar and DMing her, but part of me wants to let sleeping dogs lie. It's hard for me to connect with people, I am off, people can tell. Its from how I grew up. It makes it hard to find someone I want in my life. It makes me desperate and clingly, but worst of all it leaves my heart open to harm. I can't live with anymore heartbreak.
I flushed out the project page, I need to fill it and go though a few thousand pictures to find some old pics so I can explain what I am doing, I am messing with CSS but I can't figure out why its not applying to the page. It's just a simple background change and font color change, I must be messing somthing up. I have only spent a few hours today on this. I woke up to my my brothers gf telling her that she is moving out and that my brother is not comming with because he wont work and the shit only plays video games. After that my mom ran down and started screaming at me about shit around the house. It's my brothers mess but I am tossed in with it. To add to that, I can't get ahold of my freind, its really unusual so I am borderline having an anxity attack with everything, its why I did not get shit done today. Good news though, I got signed up for my classes. If I do 18 credits this semester and 18 in the spring I will have my degree and cert! Then its off to try to find an engineering job. It will be nice making good money without hurting my body for once. I think I might go for a night drive and see my grandma, shes at my uncles down the road. Tbh I hate him, he is a evangelical christen and is REALLY loud. He is also a scam artest. I hate dealing with him so we will see. P.S no memory today, to much going on in my head right now for my mind to wander. I think I am going to Dennys for a midnight meal with my Grandma.<3
It has been a bit, I have been looking at CSS in my free time at work, I took a big step and banned myself from Youtube and a small internet community I must gate keep. I have it set so when I try to open those things out of years of habit it redirects me here to my dashboard. I have not updated this to CSS and I am writing this while I wait for my phone to charge so I can watch some tutorials. I got a good link to a reading resorce but its mainly just reading and not to much of actualy doing it. I am a hands on person I need to do it to learn, I can watch all day but I won't pick anything up from it. In the meantime I will tell you about some plans and things I want to do to get out of this small town more often. I live an hour from a major metro with things to do but I live in a small town of less then 4,000 people. There is NOTHING to do here unless you like trails, I do love hiking and tend to hike a lot in the state park that is less then a mile from my home with my dog but its way to hot out, on top of it the woods here are dense so this time of year its going to be full of flys and mosquitos. Speeking of the heat I am planing to make a yard work outfit and look like a gay whore to the people in town here but its hot as fuck so I don't care I am going to take my orange flannel and cut it like this then take my so light its almost white wranglers I have stained and cut them in to shorts above the knee. Gonna be my lawncare/fishing gear. As long as I have a mullet and a beer I think I might not get beaten to death with tire irons like in broke back mountan. I have also been looking heavly into laptops, I need a nice one for school sims. I am looking at around 1200-1500, I dont want anything with RGB unless its the keyboard and I can make the colors white, I also want to find one that is made out of metal as I tend to be hard on stuff and I know for a fact this will end up in the shop at some point. I am also thinking about getting a drawing tablet for this as well so I can draw for this site, prob the cheapest I can find tbh. I want to do this so I can leave the house when I am working on things for school or this site. I am also thinking of storing my desktop for later use as a dedicated serverhost down the line. I am looking forward to Sunday as I am going to get a hook up for fishing lures, my great aunt and uncle subcontract for just about every lure maker out there so they told me they will set me up. I am going to fight to make a few on my own to give out as gifts. I need to take the golf cart battery out and put it in the lawn mower, the headlights got left on and it killed the battery to the point where I can't revive it. I also need to organce my tools and the car parts pile in the garage, tighting a power steering line on the ranger, self tap the wheel well on the ranger also. Oh also, I went to the psychiatrist and she is being a huge bitch and won't give me Adhd medication, she has all this fucking paperwork that says I have it. But all because I was using my brothers proscription as a stop gap she put me as a "amphetamine abuser" on my chart and is playing games. She told me that she wants me to wait until she gets certifyed to give me an at home adhd test via pc or some bullshit IF she gets reinbursed for it though work. Bitch did not even let me get a refural. I need to also fix my FASFA and get into my classes next semester. I might be doing somthing fun at work soon, I told my boss if he buys nice milk I will bring my espresso machine in and we can fuck around with it all day. Oh! Also I am off the liquor, but I am drinking all the beer that has been sitting around the house, so I guess I am doing better.
3ish years ago I got into a CnC shop hobbing gears for CAT equpment, think Tonka Trucks. It paid well at 26 an hour but the people were horrible. It was so bad I quit going to school for CnC machning. It was hot from the machines, it was also super humid from the coolent that gets sprayed on the parts, it smelt like a sauna fueled with cutting oil, cutting oil has a really unique smell. It's like a tangy smell but also very burt and acidic, it was so thick in the air in ther my glasses would get blurry from oil. While I worked there the guy training me was a huge asshole. See I was working though a temp agency to get in, if you don't know thats pretty normal for most factorys or shops. Anyways, I was paid by the hour while the company employees were paid per production. So this guy was super pissed that he had to share the floor with me. I was basicly taking half his pay just by being there. He would not show me shit and drank on the job, see this was a 6pm to 6am shift, it was just me, him, and a upper mannager 8 doors away in a factory that was nearly a mile long, so this dude just drank fireball and yelled at me because he could not make child support now that I was there. I worked a 5x12. If you are not that into math that means that I was making 1040 a week at 40 hours +20 of over time that would get me another $780 a week, now if you times this at 52 weeks in a year I was making 94k a year. Yeah it was good until they started fucking with my pay. See at the end of the night you would log your parts as per production. See if I was getting paid per production I would only be making about 55k a year. The company did not like this. I don't know why they would hire me but it was their first time working with a temp agancy, So I got stuck in a fight from two buinesses, but to be honest the real reason I left was the lonelyness that job gave me, for two months the only human contact I had was with an man with a fireball addiction that hated me, thats while I can't forget this job or the smell of it, hell I can't even forget the smell of the parts washer. It was fall, I never saw the sun, I was only treated with anger, but even after all that, we have to admit that being lonely is an aethsetic, only seeing headlights and orange artifital life while having a depressive mental crisis will get stuck in your mind. So after about 2 months and 14k later they cut my pay to 18 an hour and I walked. Thats when I got into the hardest job in my life, and thats a big deal as I have worked a lot of very hard and very bad jobs, it was also the most impactful and adveture filled job I have ever had but thats for another time. You know the odd thing? Whenever I smell cutting oil now it makes my chest heavy, funny how the brain works.
Today was a bit better, I spent most of it driving around and visting several fishing shops, I would post pictures but I need to figure out CSS, (more on that later) It was nice just to get out and drive, I did not have a chance to wash my hair the night before so I left the house with my hair soaked and my male pattren baldness showing, once I drove for an hour with the windows down it curled nice. It's funny how my hair is causing me stress leading it to fall out even faster, it used to make me panic when I would wash my hair and see a lot of hair fall off in my hand. I have been using a hairloss treatment that brought the hairline back to what it was when I was 18 but its not filling in. It's not a huge deal since I can cover it with my curls and I am taller then most woman so they can't see. My hair is the only thing I really like about my body, it's the only thing I get compliments on or attention for. It's funny, I have had guns pointed at me and my life threated, had to keep a freind who got his hand stuck in a machine at work from ripping his fingures off in a panic for half an hour, no fear, just action. But my hair? Oh man thats my only fear, the fear of not being in control of a problem, if you can't control a problem you can't fix it, thats scary. Anyway's I stopped at the first shop and they had a HUGE collection but no reels outside of $200~ so I left and went to the next stop, this place had firearms and a gunsmith but the shelfs were basicly empty so I moved on to a much larger store and found a reel and several amazing guns, funny enough one was a chrome 19-4, they had a laughably priced German flare gun for $1k. I did see somthing I never have though, a Browning 2000. It is basicly a Browning Auto 5 but instead of feeding though the bottom it has a hole in the side of the gun you fed the shells into. I need to look it up, it makes no since from a manufacturing point of view to build a gun slightly diffrent then a mainline you have been making for 100 years. Like why? Being able to feed from the side while keeping your gun shouldered? Most men could not pull that off with this shotgun, its way to heavy, its action also makes it much slower to fire then other semi autos so from a compition point of view it is usless. And the side gate, oh my god, it's not even a side gate but a huge hole in the side. If anyone brought this into a field to hunt it would pull grass inside the action instantly. I would buy it though! I just want to take it appart and show it to people, its just so odd. Anyways I got my reel and drove back, got home and read about css and got sucked into Youtube reels all day. I am mad I did not get anything done so at the least I will do this. The song I posted above is my favorite, I can relate to it a lot, see people respect the idea of someone being a gunsmith but they don't put any thought into it outside of "cool" or "scary" and once someone want's somthing done they get mad about the price. No I will not refinish a gun for you for $100 asshole. Yes you can use cold blue but it will rub off, you can do whatever but don't sit here and tell me what my time is worth, my time is free only to me and a handfull of other people. To take apart that rusted POS its going to take me two hours just from the amout of time it will take to use pen oil and hit it with heat. Then I gotta see if you have any missing parts or homemade ones because if you put a fucking spring from a pen or mouse trap and blow your foot off in the woods your lawyer is gonna come to me. After that I have to deep clean it because if I just toss it into my sandblaster the old man gunk will contaminate my blasting media and thats gonna make me drive across town and spend $10 on new walnut media. Then after I take the time to clean it I have to blast it. THEN I finally get to polish it on my buffing wheels, THAT IS IF THERE IS NO RUST otherwise I am going to have to drawfile it out and spend more time on it. Then after all that I have to turn on my salt tanks and baby the fuckers for an hour before I can soak your Sears Speacal POS for 20 minutes and use about 15 gallons of water. SO NO buddy your looking at it costing $400 to repair that $300 shotgun from the 1960's don't tell me it should only be $50 or $100, fucker. Anyways that song is about the anger I just spit on this page, thats why I like it. But it's also about turning away from your dream and being an adult. It's why I am back in school. I still need to get my classes but I am waiting to see what happens tomorrow. If I do not get my adderall I am going to be so fucking angery. Dinner tonight, Same as last night.
When I was getting my first degree there was a freind of mine that I looked up to, he was 23, an actual farm kid and a ex-lineman. He told me for all 3 years I was at that school to stop wearing those ugly wide toe redwings and to get boots. Shortly after I moved out of the house to a new state to work on a machining degree I got that jolt people get from their first taste of freedom. Having a huge truck, a cheap place to sleep and no accountablity. It was my first time being a young man on the lose, I was happy that I could just take off and no one would ask or care(before I learned how this sucks after years of it), hop from job to job, do what I want when I want. No one asking where I am going or what I am doing. Being able to sleep, eat and drink whenever I want. It was all amazing. One night I got a rush and bought a pair of rawhide roapers with a conceal carry pocket on them! It was not practical at all so I kept two spare lighters, a book of matches, a razor blade and $100 in there. That way I could always smoke, cut open boxes or anything really and I could always afford a ride home. When I got them I had to fight to get them on. It was to stiff in the heel so I could not get my feet in one of them while the other fit perfectly. After sitting on a couch and 2 of my roomates looking at me like I was some retard (this was 2 years before cowboys were cool again) I got it on and I was able to work it in. I wore them every day for the next 3 years until I went to Tennisee. Shoes are interesting if you don't have a lot of them and you take care of them, they can last you a long time. My life tends to change every two years, so I like to buy shoes around this time to wear for a new chapter. By the time I was done with them they had holes and you could see my socks! I wore them down to TN to see my grandparents new place, when I was in Nashville I found a shop on main street or music road or whatever they call it. It was buy 3 for the price of the most expesive. I found two that fit, let my brother pick the third pair then walked out. I forgot those old boots in east TN. I wanted to get them resoled. They rotted in the heat and molded. It's funny you see, not long after that trip I lost everything and had to move back into my moms. Those boots rotted just like my ability to be an adult. I miss those boots.
Today was a wash, last night I got done with my summer semester of college, I am in school for a degree in applied engineering, my first degree was an Assosate's degree in Gunsmithing and Firearm Technology, things suck right now so I do not know if I will still stay enrolled, or if I will drop out. Anyways, I went to look at fishing gear today with my family. I was wearing a Ted K shirt from Komanndo store, the old ape begind the counter got mad and asked me why I had a t-shirt of someone who killed kids? The guy next to me told him it was the unibomber, I agreed with the rando and told the ape that it was the unibomber, and that he was thinking of Timmithy Mcvay, the ape then said that he thought that guy was the one that was shot in Idaho with his family, I told him nope, that was the Weaver Family but Tim did do his bombing because of that event. The random guy next to me said "BOY YOU SURE KNOW A LOT ABOUT TERRORISTS" Mind you the whole time I was having this conversation I was squating like a vietcong in the bush in front of the handgun case drooling over a chrome plated Smith and Wesson 19-4. I thought about telling the dude to calm the fuck down then tell him that I worked with the gunstore just down the road for a number of years subcontracting, but changed my mind. It's dumb, I work in an old mans industy so I get a lot of shit, I also look like I'm a teenager even though I am 28. It is funny how telling toxically masculine men about what I do and being able to back it up with pure autisum of the mouth is enough to get most of them obsessed with me, but to be honest, I hate it, it gets to much attention and I hate having the same converstaion 10,000 times with the same type of person, they get impressed, ask questions to try and trip me, then they get mad and say some nonsence that is not true and argue about it. I hate how men tie their hobbies to their masculinity, like dude, don't you have a wife and kids to take care of? Thats what should make you a man, taking care of the ones you love, thats the only reason us men exist, not some shitty gun or car. Everytime I think of this it reminds me of a saying "If you put 3 gun guys in a room all they will agree on is that one is wrong." Anyways I walked away and started looking at fishing rods with my family and we got some things, but on the way home it broke down into a fight, I left the house and just drove. I found a small lake in the middle of nowhere I live in, I sat down and started chainsmoking and taking a few shots of Eagle Rare while thinking about what to do with myself. I am short on hours at work this week and without school to keep me stressed and busy I just could'nt figure out what to do with myself, I thought about going to Cabelas with a freind of mine the town over but its Sunday so they would be closed by the time I got there. That's when I remembered that I was going to make this site. So here I am, stinking of Marblo Black Golds, whisky and Lonestar Memorys by Tauer. I left the Eagle Rare in the truck so I have moved to Bufflo Trace, its a better bourbon then most but not as smooth with a much weaker after taste of ER, but I don't feel like leaving my room right now so I will be sticking with the BT, I would like to drink my 14 year Tin Cup but its almost gone and I can not afford to replace it currently, I was shorted on hours the last two weeks so I have a tank of gas and 18 Marb BGs to last me two weeks. Tomorrow I am planning on working on my trucks that I will be talking about in my projects page, I think I am going to make a list of all of my projects then have a page for all of them to prevent the main page from getting to long. I have a vist with my psychiatrist in two days and it can't come soon enough, I need my ADHD meds and somthing to help with the ED I get from my depresson meds. It's killing me. Dinner tonight, 125mgs of Hydroxine, whisky and maybe pizza if I want to sober up.
I went with a freind of mine to the largest REI outlet in my state, it was 5pm and black outside, snow was falling gently on the road, but it was to warm for it to stick to the road, it reflected in the headlights like stars in the sky, when we got there it was dead quite. The store has a weird layout, you have to walk across a bridge to get in, then the first thing in the building is a single rock climbing wall, it was nice seeing a box office store lined with wood and nature themed. We were there to look at Fajallraven pants but passed on them as they only had small sizes (who wears a 32x28???) I found a new collar for my dog that wont irratate his skin along with a nice wool blanket that I took cross county with me 4 months later with said friend plus another one who wasn't there that day, it was also the first time I tried a struppwaffle. I would like some tech pants but I would only wear them hiking, otherwise I would burn though the nylon with cigs and molton metal in the garage. I think this popped into my mind due to the weather, its 67 out and I guess I just can't wait for fall, I hope it holds on long enough for me to go fishing. It feels weird to ask a question, but do you ever have a flashback? Like you see somthing and it just takes you back, good or bad? I used to get it from bad things I went though growing up, I got over it though don't worry, but the habit stuck around so I spend a lot of my time remebering things instead of day dreaming, I feel for the Pale driver in Disco Elysium if you catch the ref, and if you don't, spend your time looking into somthing better, it takes multiple playthoughs to really get the picture, that game is my crashout game.